Another salacious encounter (Excerpt)

Alec – A Man with Cold Feet
 

At the end of September, a new chapter in my life began.  My last meeting with Guy left me stinging and moping with chagrin.  I took my aching heart back home to Ireland and went back to trawling the Internet.  Another alluring chapter was about to unfold.

Alec was 48 years old, a business consultant from Windsor, tall, dark and handsome, as far as I could tell from his photo.  We had first made contact back in April when he wanted to pay me a visit in Dublin and then chickened out three days before the appointed weekend.  He got cold feet, as he called it, but at least he had had the good manners to explain that to me at the time.  Back on the prowl in September, I spotted him again under my “matches” – what YOUDATE euphorically calls the heartbeat of this site, meaning he met my criteria.  And he was online! I was flirting with three other more or less salient prospects that night when I plucked up some courage and approached him by teasing, “How are those cold feet?”

Alec copped on at once, remembered me and apologized for letting me down earlier on.  What he had perceived was this beautiful lady who appeared so together and forthright, that it had intimidated him.

Whatever had happened to him in the meantime made him want to meet up now.  We got together five days later in his lair.  Alec picked me up at Heathrow Airport, only twenty minutes from where he lived in a neat little townhouse.  Our first sighting of each other is still fresh in my memory: Alec, dark brown hair with silvery strands on the sides and even darker eyes like a strong coffee mélange before the cream penetrates fully, is standing at the gate wearing well fitting gray slacks and a black polo-neck.  He recognizes me, watches me walk up to him and I think, not bad and smile.  Next thing he embraces me, holds me in his arm and says, “So good to see you.” Then he grabs my hand, takes my bag and off we go to his car, never letting go of me.

From the beginning he made it clear how he felt about me.  I wasn’t too sure about him yet.  In the car, I was a little dizzy from the smell of the air freshener dangling from the mirror.  That has to go, I thought.

“Would it be alright to give you a kiss?” I wasn’t certain about that either just as yet, but offered my cheek.  He looked me in the eye, brushed over my hair and said, “Welcome to my life!”

What a romantic! Before I went over, I had sent him a close-up of my face by email with the caption Look me in the eye.  This had prompted a phone call.

“I need you here right now.” He had said.   

(to be continued)

The D Word

Ditched, dumped, divorced and yet you try all over again, pull yourself up by your stilettos and garters  and join the dating crowds again. History repeated all over, because we humans are built for love. A new musical written by the creators of Menopause depicts the happily Even after. It is hitting theaters nationwide. A Las Vegas party show where “ Mamma Mia” meets Sex And The City!” Does that sound like something you'd like?

The website promises that “It’s a laugh-out-loud celebration of newly single or recycled bachelor life that will have you singing and dancing along to the best break-up/make-up songs ever!” You can follow the four women, Erica, DeeDee , Kate and Jen who meet after a speed dating night on their dating trails.

“Next Time Lucky: How to find Your Mr. Right” could be script for this show. Cherie is a divorced woman on the rebound looking for a soul mate the second time round. Love @ first click is intoxicating. Have laptop ─ can travel! However it takes two to tango. Many a Mr. Right turns out only to be Mr. Right Now. Even her background as the owner of a dating agency doesn't prepare her for the characters she meets. She learns the hard way that it's easy come, uneasy go, in this online candy store of adult romantic dreams. Her story is an intriguing read and at times a raunchy ride around the world. With insight and humor, Next Time Lucky tells the sassy story of a woman's quest for a second chance in life, finding that our today's mate selection rituals have become a lot more complicated than kissing a few frogs. The second edition has an added brand new appendix packed with dating tips and invaluable information for online daters, based on my expertise as a dating counselor and my experiences as an internet dating pioneer. 

 

I've got to see the show!

Cybersex

                                                   

What the hell is it? Do you know anything about it? Do you approve of it? Does it need approving? Does it bother you? How do people even do it? And why? More questions than answers?

Let me tackle this delicate topic one by one.

Cybersex is also called Internet sex, netsex or mudsex (?).  On a website called :www.Askmen.com I found:” Cyber sex is an alternative kind of sex that couples and singles alike are engaging in. The beauty of cyber sex is that you can remain totally anonymous…”Bliss, no obligations, no commitments!

When I started cyber-dating around the turn of the millennium, I came across all types of people. Mostly they claimed they were in it –online—to find love, a partner, maybe even one for marriage. Naturally, most men wanted sex—sooner or later.  And judging from other women’s photos, they had many women to choose from who were out there for the same purpose. A few men explicitly wanted to have cybersex and this was on a “regular” dating site, not XXX –rated or Adults Only which is a tell-tale sign of another agenda.

Though I wasn’t exactly an old fogey, I didn’t know what it was. The topic was only brought up during chats with some guys after a while, after we had established a certain trust or shall I say amount of openness where you talk about sex as well – not just your favorite activities like going to restaurants or walks on the beach. (Who doesn’t?). I always claimed, I didn’t have a camera on my PC to wiggle out of that situation.

 

An episode of Ally Mc Beal on TV was another eye-opener. If that smart lawyer could fall for a guy and have cybersex with somebody who turned out to be a sixteen-year-old geek and his mother came after her. ..You better beware! You never know what you’re letting yourself in for on the Internet/ while online dating or what you’re getting.   

Cybersex doesn’t require a real live encounter. It’s readily available literally any time -- at your fingertips. No pun intended. It’s just another way of masturbation.  And it’s cheaper than calling a sex hotline. I know a guy who is still in debt over these calls and lost his wife.

Some people use pornography, others attach a camera to their PC and need somebody to watch or watch them. Maybe it’s more thrilling than watching pornography that is getting more and more explicit and the threshold for excitement and an even better thrill needs to be fed constantly. But how many variations on the theme are there? Now many different ways of licking, sucking and tweaking certain body parts? You get the gist.   

For others it can become the alternative to cheating on a spouse.  Surely preferable  when you’re married? There is this strange phenomenon, however, that dependency and addiction to these online relationships-- if virtual only-- develop.

Given my background in matchmaking and being a dating specialist, I figured that it will appeal to those who have relationship issues, intimacy issues, or those who are too timid to let a person into their lives.

In my opinion, it’s not a substitute for the real thing. Although I need to modify this claim immediately: “In creepy sex toy news, Durex has invented an app that lets people have cyber sex "with touch" over the internet. “There you go—a step forward more towards or back towards the real thing? The cynic in me is asking.

But our environment keeps changing and there is a generation out there that doesn’t want to run the risk off a real relationship anymore. They are single but not looking: “Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone."  

Or in the case of Japan, can’t afford it:” News out of Japan has confirmed this for a number of years: Japanese find sex and relationships too messy, tiring and "potentially humiliating".

So I leave it up to my reader if cybersex needs approval. For some it’s just a pastime. Inexpensive, doing no harm as long as consenting adults are involved. And that was exactly what the blurb of a book I just finished reading claimed:” This is a real cybersex story/role play carried out in real life with a willing participant who is over the age of 18. “

 

The booklet was more harmless than what I stumbled upon in any Penthouse copy back in the day. The author might have just decided to submit it for the consideration of a naughty magazine. But now it’s made into a “book”. And I downloaded it because it was for free. What better way to further my education?

So you're looking for Mr. Right?
Still haven't found him? Let me tell you this:

Maybe it's time to check your expectations and ask yourself what is really important for you? Have a good inspection of your heart and values! I was flabbergasted when a client once told me," He is not perfect-- but he is good enough."
If you are using a dating agency or matchmaker, do give them a chance and consider the people they are introducing you to. At least have a look. You never know-- lightning may strike. Maybe love will build up over time based on honesty and trust? Perhaps he is just right for you after all?
I'm not asking you to settle for second best, but nobody is perfect! You know that...

Love @ First Click?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Has it ever happened to you?
If so, do you believe in love at first click? When you start online dating you often "click" with a person immediately. You seem to have a lot in common. He seems to understand you and react in a way that appeals to you. One often jumps into a closeness quickly that doesn't happen in real life that much. Not in my experience anyway. You feel safe --behind your computer. After all, it's pretty anonymous. Even the photo can be doctored up.
You then look forward to meeting this person online on a regular basis, at a certain time of day...after a long day; when you're too tired to go out or do much else. You even start to pour out your heart and open up.

Sounds great and familiar so far?
Then it comes to meeting in person. That is a big step to be undertaken with great caution. Am I being too cautious?
Next thing could be a phone call first. Still got the same feeling for that individual? You only know his voice. What does he look like? Like his picture ? I met people who had put on 30 pounds since or aged many dog years.
Good luck online--but take it easy....step by step!

Yet another New Year's Resolution

I recently spent a week in a Migraine Clinic. On admittance, I was asked for my goal of the day. A nurse was going to write it on a whiteboard in my room. Stunned, I thought that was obvious: To be pain-free.

To have a goal is one thing but how to get there is quite another. But like the Chinese saying goes:”Every journey begins with the first step.”

You know what I’m getting at if you’re single and reading this. You have tried for a while on your own or the help of well-meaning friends –if you’re lucky-to find that elusive person. Now you’re curious to get some advice from a pro who has occupied herself with matters of the heart for years. At this time of year you read a lot of about New Year’s Resolutions. Everybody seems to be setting them. Have you? Did you set yourself goals for 2012 in other areas of your life? How about your love department?

The goal is obvious: Find a partner in crime (marriage, loving relationship, live –in lover whatever your target may be; someone to wake up with and spend time with, someone to hold your hand for a while, someone to walk hand in hand with. Like with every goal setting you need a step-by-step plan how to get there. And sometimes it’s baby steps you have to make.

With gazillion self help books out there reaching from “Dating for Dummies” to “How to Catch a man and Keep him “you certainly have enough material available to start a proper research into the subject matter to get you on your way. Maybe you have done that already?

In my forties I was in your shoes and faced the same predicament. I was divorced, in a foreign country and had two teenage children which slightly complicated the matter. I don’t want you to do what I did and buy a matchmaking company in order to get access to as many available candidates as possible; or, as journalist phrased it to my utter embarrassment –and that of my children-“To skim the milk of the cream.”

Yeah, in a way that’s what I wanted in spite of the huge price tag attached to it. But at the time there were very few alternatives for separated or divorced-I like to call them recycled- people in Ireland. Ireland had only just legally gotten the divorce in 1996.

You on the other hand have all these agencies out there to be of your assistance - online or personal. (Yes, the personal ones or matchmakers still exist if you prefer one to one personalized service, if a bit more expensive). The choice is yours.

I had fun running the agency, dealing with people, meeting nice clients, learning about life, myself and my own expectations from life. At the same time, I made money and “Combined business with pleasure” as another cheeky reporter put it. You can do the same when signing up with any of these agencies or several if you must. You will learn about yourself not just about the potential partners. You will grow through the experience, it will make you stronger, a more determined, experienced, savvy person, not a more frustrated one, I hope. You may have to do baby-steps, self-scrutiny being one of them. No, that’s a bigger one.

A motto that I learned from one of my older clients should guide you on this journey or quest: the 3 Ls “Living, Laughter and Loving.”

If you want to read more of this expert’s advice, get my book Next Time Lucky or what this space.

How to write an online profile

Ready to go online for a date? Especially we second-time-rounders feel more comfortable with a little help when approaching this new way of dating. A widowed lady confided in me lately that she wouldn’t know where to start of how to go about betting back into the dating scene. Same applies for divorced people or anybody who was in a relationship or married for years and had no need to finetune their dating skills.
The first thing to do is to find a dating website to your liking. No matter whether you choose one of the big names that advertise on TV or go with a site that somebody recommended; whether you go with a freebie, or one that you have to pay for: the first and most important step is always to create your online profile. That is the description of yourself that others see and hopefully respond to. It’s a good idea to read some of other people first. You will quickly identify a style that appeals to you and that you can identify with.
Take notes; write down the criteria that are important for you that your partner should know about you or traits he should share. While you want to describe yourself in the best possible light, bragging is never attractive. Avoid stereotypes! Who doesn’t like candle light dinners and walks on the beach? Be more specific and innovative if you can. A sense of humor goes very far.
There are websites which can help you write the perfect profile to achieve maximum impact and find your soul mate. I find a conversation with a trusted friend helpful if you don’t want to spend money on “Profile Writing for Dummies”. How you see yourself is one thing, but how others perceive you can be quite another.