Some Soul Searching for Singles on V-Day

Posted by Hernibs on Feb 16th, 2012 and filed under Articles, Human-Relations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Home >> Articles >> Some Soul Searching for Singles on V-Day

If you’re single, or divorced, or maybe just out of a relationship and reading this, you are probably looking for useful information on how to improve your chances of finding a new partner.
There are gazillion websites and self-help books out there offering their expertise. Therefore it’s surprising to me that not all resources have been exhausted for advice; that singles are still not sure of how best to go about finding that elusive mate. Instead of giving tips today about your appearance, behavior, conversation, etc. on a date, I want to ask you a question that may surprise you: Would you date yourself?
Step 1: Take a critical look at yourself from the perspective of somebody else. Get out the big looking-glass! And I don’t mean just for your looks or sense of dress. Look deeper: How does this person project herself? Does she seem to be a happy individual? Is she content with her life? Is she somebody I would like to get to know and spend time with? What are her strong suits? It’s not a secret that people see themselves differently than other people do. May I say through tinted glasses?
Step 2: Look at your expectations. What do you expect from a partner? Is your list of requirements a mile long and realistic? What are the non-negotiable necessities about a partner and what is merely the icing on the cake, sorry, I mean on a mate for you? Where would you compromise? Can the standards of this person be met without resorting to a magic wand or cosmic intervention? What can be changed about you? Maybe something about your demeanor and attitudes? If you cannot answer these questions honestly – and I admit it is not easy – I suggest you get some help; be that a trusted friend for a good heart-to-heart discussion or a professional consultant for a make-over. You need someone with an unbiased critical eye to assess what you have to offer, but above all, you need honesty for this to work. By taking this approach to dating, the perspective shifts away from an ever demanding me and instead, subtly focuses on your counterpart. Our “Because You Are Worth it!” generation needs a colossal shift in consciousness and become more aware of reality and what is achievable. This may not be what you expected; but don’t knock it until you have tried.
http://angiesdiary.com/psychology/hum-rel/some-soul-searching-for-singles-on-v-day/

Yet another New Year's Resolution

I recently spent a week in a Migraine Clinic. On admittance, I was asked for my goal of the day. A nurse was going to write it on a whiteboard in my room. Stunned, I thought that was obvious: To be pain-free.

To have a goal is one thing but how to get there is quite another. But like the Chinese saying goes:”Every journey begins with the first step.”

You know what I’m getting at if you’re single and reading this. You have tried for a while on your own or the help of well-meaning friends –if you’re lucky-to find that elusive person. Now you’re curious to get some advice from a pro who has occupied herself with matters of the heart for years. At this time of year you read a lot of about New Year’s Resolutions. Everybody seems to be setting them. Have you? Did you set yourself goals for 2012 in other areas of your life? How about your love department?

The goal is obvious: Find a partner in crime (marriage, loving relationship, live –in lover whatever your target may be; someone to wake up with and spend time with, someone to hold your hand for a while, someone to walk hand in hand with. Like with every goal setting you need a step-by-step plan how to get there. And sometimes it’s baby steps you have to make.

With gazillion self help books out there reaching from “Dating for Dummies” to “How to Catch a man and Keep him “you certainly have enough material available to start a proper research into the subject matter to get you on your way. Maybe you have done that already?

In my forties I was in your shoes and faced the same predicament. I was divorced, in a foreign country and had two teenage children which slightly complicated the matter. I don’t want you to do what I did and buy a matchmaking company in order to get access to as many available candidates as possible; or, as journalist phrased it to my utter embarrassment –and that of my children-“To skim the milk of the cream.”

Yeah, in a way that’s what I wanted in spite of the huge price tag attached to it. But at the time there were very few alternatives for separated or divorced-I like to call them recycled- people in Ireland. Ireland had only just legally gotten the divorce in 1996.

You on the other hand have all these agencies out there to be of your assistance - online or personal. (Yes, the personal ones or matchmakers still exist if you prefer one to one personalized service, if a bit more expensive). The choice is yours.

I had fun running the agency, dealing with people, meeting nice clients, learning about life, myself and my own expectations from life. At the same time, I made money and “Combined business with pleasure” as another cheeky reporter put it. You can do the same when signing up with any of these agencies or several if you must. You will learn about yourself not just about the potential partners. You will grow through the experience, it will make you stronger, a more determined, experienced, savvy person, not a more frustrated one, I hope. You may have to do baby-steps, self-scrutiny being one of them. No, that’s a bigger one.

A motto that I learned from one of my older clients should guide you on this journey or quest: the 3 Ls “Living, Laughter and Loving.”

If you want to read more of this expert’s advice, get my book Next Time Lucky or what this space.