I've been a single guy all of my life. Okay
that sounds a bit scary so let me qualify that. That doesn't mean I'm the sort
of socially awkward guy whose only contact with a women is his rather unusual
relationship with his mother, has never had a girlfriend and couldn't possibly
redecorate his room because of his spider man wallpaper.
I'm the sort of single guy who has not
quite settled down. I'm a serial dater but that doesn't mean I'm any good at
dating. I've had lots of relationships, always monogamous in case you are
wondering, but I've never met my soul mate. I was a fan of Sex and the City and
I remember an episode where Carrie Bradshaw was dating someone who turned out
to be incompatible. Okay so that defines most of the plots of Sex and the City,
but the programme portrayed a much more interesting interplay of relationships between
the four friends; their dating behaviours were really secondary. In this particular
episode Carrie was writing her newspaper column and asked, "What are the
deal breakers?" The point being that in any relationship there are always
issues, things that you will tolerate and things that you won't. Those are the
deal breakers and I've always come up against them. I suppose I may be choosy,
however, it takes time to discover what you can live with and what you can't.
Over the years I've found girlfriends socially,
through shared interests, through lonely hearts ads (remember them?), and more
recently through dating sites. I've become a bit disenchanted with the dating
sites as I suspect there are a lot of fake profiles. When you get a lot of
messages that never make reference to the contents of your profile you end up
thinking you are receiving standard letters. When those messages come more
frequently after buying a subscription you wonder if they are just trying to
get you to renew.
The latest thing is Tinder.
Tinder is what's known as a geosocial
networking app for your iPhone or Android phone. You can set it to seek out
potential partners within an age range and within a specific number of miles.
It shows you pictures, and any joint interests, of those people who have set their
criteria to find you. You can then choose 'like' or 'pass' based on their
picture and any interests in common. It's anonymous so that if you pass on
someone they never get to hear about it. If you like someone they still won't
hear about it unless they have seen your picture and liked you in return. It's
the electronic version of walking down the street, seeing someone you like the
look of and wondering if they like the look of you. The beauty of it is that
there is no rejection, if they don't like you, you never hear about it.
After the match is made the app puts the
two of you in touch via a messaging system whereby you text each other through
the app, still for free, and you take it from there, exchanging phone numbers,
emails or whatever. There is no way to contact someone who doesn't reciprocally
like you.
Now my experience of this, and the same is
probably true of all on-line dating where the wooing is largely written, is
that people can expect a bit too much too soon.
The pictures on the profiles are often the
sort of pictures people take on their phones, looning about in bars or clubs,
at some event such as a festival, often with a drink in hand, often a bit
poo-faced, and having a great time. This is largely how we take photos now;
that's what camera phones are for, ever present, making a record of the high
points in life.
So the association is one of getting out
there on the razz and we want that from our potential partners. But is that
really compatible with written messages and is it compatible with a
relationship? Is it really fair on the other guy, or the other girl, to expect
them to shine over a few short texts or emails and thus establish a connection?
I was sitting in my house this morning having
a quiet coffee before I started the daily grind of writing blogs and fiction,
doing some DIY and making plans for the weekend. It occurred to me that none of
the women I'd communicated with on Tinder
really had any idea about my life. Looking around I considered my 'stuff', my
home, personal style and the background to it all. That barometer is very
cherished because it was given to my father a year before I was born. I love
the way the light falls on that sofa under the window. I'm looking forward to
making progress on the garden in the spring after the new fence has gone in. I
like to think of myself as a complex, compassionate thinking person with broad
interests and a great deal to share.
How do I get this across in a few texts? In
a world of crazy X-Factor and fame for all, where we all want to be glitzy
celebrities, where we want instant gratification and have the attention span of
a gnat, how do we give potential partners the chance to shine?
It was once said that, 'every man and every
woman is a star.' There's someone you see on the way to work on the bus every
day, or perhaps you see them carrying their shopping home from the supermarket
occasionally, or they work on the next floor and you see them in the lift. That
person plays the violin. They play the violin with such extraordinary
virtuosity that they could have been a professional but for some twist of fate
twenty five years ago. But you will never hear their music because you don't
speak to them, or if you do encounter them you never get beyond exchanging a few
texts. While texting they won't tell you about their violin because it's
nothing new to them, it's just a part of their life. People often only talk
about the new things in their lives, the things that currently enthuse them.
Texting or emails will never uncover these deep loves and fascinations. It
takes time to get to know someone and many of us aren't very good at that any
more. Conversation is an art that is going out of fashion yet it's the oil that
lubricates our society.
It takes time to find out who someone is.
That's why many relationships don't work out. That in itself is no bad thing,
if it turns out the couple were really not suitable. They just needed to learn
about each other and that's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's not too easy to get a
divorce; perhaps it's too easy to get married in the first place. Commitment
should not be entered into lightly and Carrie Bradshaw's deal breakers are the
key. But being a serial dater, who'd like to break that cycle, I'd like to have
the chance to express myself in more than 25 words, and I'd like to give you
that chance too.