When
I left my marriage of fifteen years I considered sticking around
because it was predictable and safe. Most of all I had made a commitment
for life. I felt like I would be considered a bad person if I didn’t
follow through with this vow. I thought I owed it to my husband to stay
with him until the end because he nursed me back to health while I was
sick. I believe he also thought that was enough reason for me to stay.
When I started talking about leaving he was in total disbelief. It
caught him by surprise. Up until then, he hadn’t a clue. Because of his
good deeds I think he assumed I was a sure thing and that he could
always count on me to stick around. By then I believe he started to take
me and our relationship for granted. What kind of person would walk out
on a guy who did everything in his power to make sure I survived the
worst of the life's trials? He must have thought his good deeds gave him
a little extra leverage. What kind of monster would walk out on a man
whose intentions were so good and so pure?
When
I left him I became his enemy. I did him wrong but at the same time I
was truer to myself than I had ever been. I followed my heart. It is not
as if I didn’t agree with his assessment of me, I did. I believed he
was right. What a terrible person I had become, I thought to myself.
Those inner voices in my head were not too kind. Basically I endlessly
chastised myself up for what I had done. Other people deserved breaks,
but I did not. I spent months blaming myself for my bad deeds. I didn’t
take it into consideration that I had been unhappy for the longest time.
I lived with a feeling of emptiness way before he became my caretaker
and my life support. I put everything under the rug because change
scared me and of course there was that “commitment.” Looking back, maybe
the thought of finding happiness scared me. I had lived one way for so
long that I had became accustomed to my misery. Reflecting back I was
so dead inside. My marriage left me depleted with a big fat void that I
couldn’t have imagined could ever be filled.
If
I would have stayed with that thought I wouldn’t have been able to
experience the great joy that now is my life. It took everything in my
power to make this change. Now as I ponder that thought, I am so
grateful that I had the strength and the self love to finally put myself
first.
Brenda Perlin Author of Brooklyn & Bo Chronicles
Brenda Perlin Author of Brooklyn & Bo Chronicles
